Andy Milonakis Writing ‘Insane Lyrics’ For His Hip-Hop LP

It won't be 'some hokey, gimmicky comedy CD' he promises.

Andy Milonakis is a complicated man — a skyrocketing star with his own self-named show who at the same time remains shrouded in mystery.

He looks 12 but is actually nearing his 30th birthday; his fans suspect him to be mentally defective, yet he’s smart enough to have masterminded one of the hottest comedic careers in Hollywood; and now the chubby white man with a face as smooth as a baby’s bottom wants the world to see him as … a rapper?

“I’m actually gonna do an album soon, yeah,” Milonakis recently reported. “It’s gonna be comedy, the lyrics are all gonna be really wacky and comedic, but we’re gonna get real hip-hop producers and try to make it sound like a real hip-hop CD.”

Those making plans to catch Milonakis’ film debut as an angry, whipped-cream-sniffing busboy named Nick in next week’s “Waiting” will want to be sure to stay for the end credits, which have the high-strung humorist performing “Nick and T-Dog’s P-H-Fat Rap” alongside co-star Max Kasch.

“I wrote the lyrics,” Milonakis proudly said of the song. “It was cool because it was the first movie I got, and I was just sitting at home in my disgusting apartment writing lyrics. … I sent it back and forth to Rob [McKittrick, the film’s writer/director], and he was like, ’All right, try to punch this part up, punch that part up, include a little blurb about being a busboy.’ We went back and forth about 20 times.”

Now Milonakis is making plans for an album and is hard at work penning “totally ridiculous and funny lyrics.”

“In one song I’ll talk about making love to inanimate objects, probably,” he deadpanned. “Maybe a cabbage or a banana. Oh, that’s not true, bananas aren’t inanimate; they can move.

“Maybe a stapler,” he continued, following it up with a quote from another song he has planned. “I have a line, it’s like: ’My dad is gay and he beats himself/ He thinks wood is evil, so he beats his shelf.’

“It’s ridiculous,” Milonakis admitted, revealing a peek at the inner dialogue behind his creative process. “Like, ’Why would he beat his shelf? Why? Why, Andrew Milonakis?’ And then I say, ’Stop asking yourself questions and calling yourself Andrew Milonakis!’ And I never listen.”

Andy has also been participating in conversations of the real-life kind, with some of hip-hop’s hottest producers, as they line up to work on the album. “I talked on the phone with the Trackboyz, they did a song with Nelly and with J-Kwon, and they’re interested and they have really good beats.”

Meanwhile, in more concrete plans, Milonakis and J-Kwon are heading into the studio next week to collaborate on a track; the comedian said he’ll also make an appearance in the song’s eventual video.

Beyond that, Milonakis just wants to make sure his solo album comes together the right way. “We’re definitely not gonna do some hokey, gimmicky comedy CD,” he concluded. “We’re gonna do it like real hip-hop producers, and maybe some real guest appearances on it, and just, like, insane lyrics.”

From Andy Milonakis, we’d expect nothing less.