Rob Schneider Is One Angry Man-Whore, Critic Discovers

Actor fires back at L.A. Times writer with full-page ad.

"You can't do it!"

This is the new scream that Rob Schneider is practicing these days, in response to one critic's assertion that the comedian is the poster boy for all that's wrong with Hollywood.

In a rare case of a star acknowledging a bad review, the former "Saturday Night Live" player struck back with an ad in industry trade magazines, calling Los Angeles Times writer Patrick Goldstein a "third-rate, unfunny, pompous reporter."

The throw-down began with a front-page Times article featuring Goldstein's observation that this year's Oscar nominees for Best Picture were largely financed independently from the big movie houses. The nominees, Goldstein grumbled, were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Goldstein's words must have hit hard, as the star responded by purchasing an entire page in The Hollywood Reporter and Daily Variety to respond to the "snide comments" with his own open letter: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind."

Referring to an award-winning Amy Goldstein of Rhode Island, the comedian writes that after contacting the woman, "she assured me she was not an alias of yours and in fact like most of the world had no idea of your existence."

The man who has portrayed characters named Iggy, Ula and Nazo the Italian deliveryman had defended his empty mantelpiece, but he wasn't finished with the critic. "Maybe," he continued, "you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

The frequent Adam Sandler collaborator, whose "You can do it!" catchphrase will once again be heard in their upcoming football flick "The Longest Yard," finished his missive with some speculation: "If I sat with your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards they'd say, 'You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy' ... whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch you would just be beaten beyond recognition."

Such statements have raised the ire of many who claim to be longtime Schneider supporters. "I'm actually a fan of 'Deuce,' " writes one such upset movie viewer on the Internet Movie Database's message board, "but I'm also a fan ... of intelligent critics who can articulate their feelings about a subject they care deeply about. ... It's embarrassing to see these people like Schneider explode and start whining; it doesn't make me necessarily lose respect for them, but it makes them look like complete idiots."

Others view the letter as one more reason why Schneider's sequels need to stop. Another post reads: "Rob does have a place in Hollywood: working the drive-thru at the local McDonald's."

But there are those in Schneider's well-documented opening-weekend crowd who leapt to his defense. "You could be the star of every suck-ass movie ever made and have the acting ability of a dead fish and still be more valuable to society than any critic," one wrote.

Goldstein, for his part, seems to be enjoying the added exposure. "I haven't received so many congratulatory phone calls since Billy Crystal wrote a letter comparing me to [notorious mob lawyer] Roy Cohn," Goldstein told New York Post gossip site PageSix.com. The critic did not respond to MTV News' call for comment.

More than happy to pick up the phone, however, was Mr. Deuce Bigalow himself, who is one angry man-whore. Reached in the editing bay while cutting together the sequel, Schneider admitted to never having met Goldstein, adding, "For his sake, he'd better hope that I don't.

"There's no way to get back at these people who say bad things about you," Schneider continued. "This guy had it coming; his was mean-spirited, and at least mine was funny. I made this guy a little famous — that's my only regret."

Informed that some were comparing his letter to the kind of posturing reminiscent of a schoolyard bully, Schneider stuck by his comments. "You've got to listen to that little voice inside of you that says enough is enough. I hope they laugh at it. I know my fans will stick by me."

Of Goldstein's boasts of supportive calls, Schneider said, "He's a liar. I've gotten hundreds of phone calls from people saying they appreciate it, including heads of studios. I hope I start a trend with other actors and artists who get pissed off. I just got tired of taking it."

"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" opens August 12, and a negative L.A. Times review is a sure bet.

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