The Bloodhound Gang › Lyrics › I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks

If your ass is a Chinese restaurant
I'll have the poo-poo platter

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in home Ec class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said, "Guys, I'm like you, I like monster trucks too"
Wanna see how many push ups I can do?

I just wish I was queer, so I could get chicks
Dig guys that are queer
Guys that don't dig chicks
That don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly

But if I were handsome, just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way though pseudo Homophony
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
'Cause super model means voluptuous
But also is synonymous with super dumb

You see, I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon
I'd become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear

I just wish I was queer, so I could get chicks
Dig guys that are queer
Guys that don't dig chicks
That don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim, it's what's in my genes
The only smoked meat, the only sausage I would eat is made by
Jimmy Dean
See, I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Diana and I don't wanna be a queen
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist
His name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother's lingerie, learn the songs of broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet

I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Dig guys that are queer
Guys that don't dig chicks
Dig guys that are queer
Guys that don't dig chicks
Dig guys that are queer
Guys that don't dig chicks
That don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly