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February 2001
Let's Talk About Sex:
Valentine's Day: flowers, chocolates, intimate dinners, safe sex. Okay,
maybe that last item doesn't historically go on the Valentine's Day checklist, but
it should: since romance and sex often go hand in hand. What better occasion to
prove that you are responsible and informed? The key to safe planning,
when it comes to sex, is communicating well with your partner, instead of
giving in to shyness or any kind of dishonesty. If you're wondering how to
talk about sex, check out these tips for smoothing out the
conversation:
She says: Absolutely nothing. Sex is something that should happen
spontaneously, without strategy sessions and contract negotiations. When
the moment comes, you'll both know.
You say: You understand not wanting to diagram the exact where's and
when's, but some things do need to be decided in advance, such as which
precautions to take against pregnancy and STDs. The fact is, making good
judgement calls gets harder and harder as the moment heats up, and the last
thing you want to be is unprepared. Talking about sex is actually a way of
showing how much you care about your partner, since by doing so you're
agreeing to protect each other's health. For starters, you should
definitely make plans to use condoms, as a barrier against STDs.
He says: He doesn't want to use a condom, since the whole stop-and-start
thing can really ruin the moment.
You say: You'd rather deal with the twenty second time-out than with
having an STD for the rest of your life. In fact, this conversation is a
pretty simple one: if he tries to red-light the condom, you red-light the
sex. The fact is, all of those familiar arguments ("It doesn't feel as
good," "I don't want anything to come between us") can't hold a patch to
the advantages you do get by using a condom made of latex or polyurethene:
cheap, non-prescription protection against unwanted pregnancy and most STDs.
If you explain how important these safeguards are to your enjoyment of sex, you'll have
better luck shooting down the lame excuses. You both know that using a condom
means less worry after having sex.
She says: She doesn't need to get tested for STDs, since she has such a
low-risk sexual history.
You say: Well, that should take the stress out of getting tested! Even if
it seems like a formality, it makes sense for both partners to get tested
for STDs. Having any sexual experience means having been at risk, and
carrying an STD isn't the kind of thing you can judge from just looking at
someone, or listening to them talk, or even knowing their ex's. The only
safe way to be sure you and your partner are both STD-free is to be
screened by a doctor or health clinic. (If you feel uncomfortable seeing
your family doctor, you can call the Planned Parenthood Hotline at 1-800-230-PLAN
or the CDC National STD Hotline at 1-800-227-8922 to find out about
clinics and testing sites near you.)
He says: You've been doing it without condoms or STD-screening for a
while; why change now?
You say: Because you've been thinking about risks, and you've come to
realize that they just aren't worth taking. Remember: having sex once
doesn't mean you've signed a contract to do it again, and if your comfort
level changes at any point, so can your decision. Feel free to say NO to
sex---any part of it---if you decide that you're not ready for that kind
of intimacy, even after the fact. Also, it's perfectly fine, even smart,
to increase your standards for protection at any time. Being more informed
isn't going back on a promise, it's becoming a better partner.
it's your (sex) life is brought to you in partnership with the Kaiser Family
Foundation, an independent, non-profit health care philanthropy.The content
of this site was prepared by staff of the Foundation. MTV and
the Foundation have joined forces to provide information on important sexual
health issues to MTV viewers and online users. The Kaiser Family Foundation
is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente or any other Kaiser Industries.
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