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The Osbournes don't seem to have many friends on the show, save for actor Elijah Wood, who appeared on the show, and those whom they employ as nannies, assistants or security. They're mostly left to their own devices for amusement, and with their house crawling with strangers for weeks, they were hardly at a loss for outside stimulation, especially when it led to the misfortune of others.
"There was a sound guy that actually walked into this bell-like thing," Jack recounted. "I don't know what it is, but it fell on him. It's this big, iron, welded ..."
"It must weigh 300 pounds," Kelly interrupted.
"... thing with a bell on it ... It fell on the guy and we're just sitting there laughing our asses off while he's stuck under the bell."
Though they said he sustained a shoulder injury, the audio tech wasn't seriously hurt.
Along with the abundance of religious imagery and artifacts strewn about the house, the most striking feature of the Osbourne abode is the pack of small dogs that roam the unhallowed halls freely. The family's puppy problems are exemplified in episode two, cleverly titled "Bark at the Moon," after Ozzy's third solo album, released in 1983.
Word is that Sharon can't pass a pet store without adopting another canine companion, fostering the belief that, as all rumors are rooted in some element of truth, a bevy of pet stores must have come between Sharon Osbourne and her front door since the couple's first pet pooch, Mr. Poop. Their second dog, Bonehead, was given to Ozzy's late guitarist Randy Rhoads.
Ozzy said that before his wife embarks on any shopping excursions, he's compelled to instruct her not to bring home any four-legged friends. These admonitions might not suffice anymore, though — it seems Sharon passed her instinctive love of animals on to her own litter of pups.
"We just found out about the world's smallest dog in England," Jack said. "They're breeding them now. It's about this big fully grown." He forms his hands in the shape of an average-size grapefruit.
"And we might have to have one ..." Sharon warned.
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Ozzy put his foot down. "If you get one more animal, I'm out!"
Not only are the dogs constantly underfoot, they're unfortunately prone to leaving care packages about the house. And it's not much consolation that some are at least well-mannered enough to use the bathroom.
"I'm sitting there for my serenity in the dark," Ozzy said of one particular trip to the loo. "And I'm thinking, it smells rather like animals in here. That's when I notice that there's crap on my bathmat!"
Language, and the offending use of it, clearly isn't censored in the Osbourne household. One of the first things a viewer notices when watching the show is that the entire family, as well as their nanny Melinda, drops the f-bomb in nearly every sentence. Even the crown jewel of cuss words is an accepted part of the Osbourne vernacular, and the most foul-mouthed sailor wouldn't be too callused to blush in the face of Jack's verbal assault on their neighbors, who conducted a late-night sing-along of "My Girl" obnoxious enough to wake the dead.
"I got really, really angry at the neighbors," Jack explained. "And I called our neighbor ..."
"The worst thing you could ever call a woman," Sharon broke in, surprisingly showing a bit of restraint.
"The C-word," Kelly clarified.
"About maybe 52 times," Jack proclaimed proudly.
Besides the trash talk, the family also retaliated by blasting the music of Swedish thrashers Meshuggah, whom Jack personally plucked for this summer's Ozzfest, in his neighbor's yard, and hurling moldy ham, fruit, bread and other objects into their yard.
If life as an Osbourne was difficult before, it must be doubly so now, as metal fans and foes alike are tuning in each week to glimpse the closeted life of a middle-aged rock star. For someone who successfully met most every goal he's set for himself — from continuing to make strides in music to annually performing on Ozzfest — Ozzy's ultimate goal may be farther from reach than ever.
"All I want is to be left alone," he said. "Me and my family to be left alone. You don't play parties outside with karaoke machines at four o'clock in the morning. That's when you're asking for an Osbourne war."
And let the consequences felt by the disruptive neighbor in episode four be a lesson to anyone even remotely considering not letting Ozzy's family rest in peace — a war with the Osbournes is a conflict best avoided.
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Photo: Gregg Delman
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