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— by Brian Wallace
Quick: Who were the big winners at last year's MTV Video Music Awards? You don't remember, do you? Probably because all that comes to mind is Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.
Their PDA publicity stunt was so successful you couldn't ignore it if you tried (and why would you?), but the ladies-only love triangle almost played out with a different pair of puckers. Party-starter Pink had been on the guest list, but she declined. So although Justin Timberlake and Coldplay snatched up the most Moonmen, Pink's decision to say "kiss off" makes her one of the night's biggest winners too.
See, while Madonna may be the all-time queen of the Video Music Awards, making out with the Material Girl sure can send people into a spiral.
Just look at some of the decisions Britney made in the months following the Kiss: A quickie marriage in Las Vegas (later annulled) and a music video with a suicide theme (later toned down). C'mon, obviously something clouded her judgment. And then, like a voodoo doll being toyed with, Spears took a nasty fall during a video shoot, injuring her knee so badly that it required surgery and forced her to cancel her big-budget Onyx Hotel Tour.
Christina, too, had to call off a summer trek, with hers being scrapped before it even began due to vocal strain. And both singers have been hit with lawsuits recently — Christina's from a paparazzo, Britney's from a sporting-goods company. Is it just a coincidence that in the year since the Kiss, bad luck has befallen both of Madonna's faux-Frenching friends?
Maybe, but dig a little deeper and a disturbing pattern emerges. Those who submit to Madonna's sex appeal seem to face a hex ordeal. Here are a few of the people who probably don't think Madonna is their lucky star:
Sean Penn
Kissed Madonna: As her husband from 1985 to 1989
Symptoms of the curse: Penn's early movie career included such hits as "Taps" and "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," but during his marriage to Madonna, he fell under some sort of spell. That's the only way to explain why he signed on to co-star with his wife in the bomb "Shanghai Surprise."
Warren Beatty
Kissed Madonna: While dating in 1990
Symptoms of the curse: Coming off the turkey "Ishtar," Beatty desperately needed a hit. He hooked up with Madonna on the set of "Dick Tracy," and it opened to mixed reviews. Rolling Stone called it "a great big beautiful bore," which is kind of how Beatty came off in Madonna's backstage concert documentary, "Truth or Dare," a year later.
Michael Jackson
Kissed Madonna: Maybe. Madonna accompanied Jackson to the 1991 Academy Awards and, according a source quoted in Andrew Morton's 2001 biography, "Madonna," tried to seduce him afterward. But, "When they touched, he would start giggling like a little boy," the source told Morton.
Symptoms of the curse: Again, questionable judgment. Later that year, Jackson released Dangerous, which not only marked the beginning of his pop-music decline, its first video, "Black or White," ended with a bewildering display of shouting, crotch-grabbing and window-smashing — all aired during a prime-time network-TV slot.
Jose Canseco
Kissed Madonna: During the summer of 1991
Symptoms of the curse: The Oakland Athletics outfielder hit 44 home runs during the season he and Madonna were making tabloid headlines, but the following year saw the slumping slugger hit only half as many. To quell the deafening boos at Oakland Coliseum, the A's traded Canseco to Texas, where his clouded judgment led to perhaps the most embarrassing moment of his career: While leaping to catch a fly ball, he somehow hit it with his head, sending it over the wall for a home run.
Vanilla Ice
Kissed Madonna: While dating in 1992
Symptoms of the curse: When he should've been working on a follow-up to his hugely successful To the Extreme (1990), instead, he was regrettably posing for Madonna's "Sex" book. Even after they broke up, he couldn't get it together to record a new album until 1994, when he released Mind Blowin — which wasn't.
Dennis Rodman
Kissed Madonna: During a brief 1994 fling
Symptoms of the curse: Shortly after dating Madonna, Rodman separated his shoulder in a motorcycle accident that caused him to miss 14 games. Although he already had a reputation for being a bad boy, his greatest "What was he thinking?" moments came in the years after Madonna came and went: Rodman wore a wedding dress and a wig to a book signing, was suspended for 11 games and fined more than $1 million for kicking a courtside photographer, and married Carmen Electra in a quickie Vegas wedding (sound familiar?) — nine days later, he filed for annulment.
Guy Ritchie
Kissed Madonna: As her current husband of four years
Symptoms of the curse: After scoring hits with "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" and "Snatch," Ritchie married Madonna in December 2000. His next big-screen release was 2002's "Swept Away," starring his wife, which fared so poorly in the States that it was released direct-to-video in the British director's home country. The movie was nominated for seven Razzie (Golden Raspberry) Awards and won five: Worst Director, Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Remake or Sequel and Worst Screen Couple.
So if a certain pop singer approaches you, wearing nothing more than a Kabbalah bracelet and professing to be "Crazy for You," remember this body of evidence and just take a holiday.
*******
The 2004 MTV Video Music Awards will be broadcast live from Miami on Sunday, August 29, at 8 p.m. on MTV, with the "2004 VMA Pre-show by the Shore" kicking off at 6:30 p.m.
For everything we've got on VMAs past and present, including news, features, photos and a chance to vote in this year's Viewer's Choice Playoffs, check out MTV.com's Video Music Awards page.
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Photo: MCA
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