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 Simon & Schuster

-- by Jennifer Vineyard

Sex, drugs and rock and roll — isn't that the great rock-star dream? For Tommy Lee, Anthony Kiedis and Dave Navarro, those sex-and-drug fantasies became both dreams and nightmares, which all three of them detail at length in their new autobiographies: "Tommyland," "Scar Tissue" and "Don't Try This at Home," respectively. The rockers offer up their lives of debauchery as a cautionary tale — their roads to rock stardom were marked by stints in rehab and jail, ODs, divorce, deaths of friends and loved ones, and suicide attempts. But their lives were not all drug-addled misery, of course, which is abundantly clear when, say, Kiedis gleefully relays the story of his naked romp with Cher — when he was in eighth grade.

So who actually wins the dubious honor of having lived the most depraved existence? Here's a taste of some of the immoral, illegal and downright foul behavior from the three books, and you can decide for yourself. And remember, as Navarro warns, don't try this stuff at home, people.

  Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson
Best Pick-Up Line: There's really no competition in this category. Tommy woos Pamela Anderson by serenading her on her answering machine to the tune of the Oscar Mayer jingle: "My baloney has a first name, it's L-A-R-G-E ..."

Worst Parental Guidance: Anthony's drug-dealer dad scores twice here, for being the one to introduce his son to both sex and drugs. He gives Anthony his first contact high at age 4, and his first joint, Quaaludes, Tuinals and more at age 12. By 13, Anthony's doing coke. By 14, heroin. Dad also loans a 12-year-old Anthony his then-18-year-old girlfriend Kimberly, so that his son can have a proper first time. "Whenever he'd have a new beautiful girlfriend," Anthony writes, "I'd say, 'Remember that night with Kimberly? How about if ...' He'd always cut me off. 'That was a one-time deal.' "

  Dave Navarro
Most Creative Use of Blood: Dave gets kicked out of the Playboy Mansion for misbehaving in the "orgy room" — instead of playing with the three naked women there, he fills a syringe and uses it to squirt his blood on the walls. Anthony's a close second, but instead of writing messages, he fills his mouth with blood so that he can leave bloody kisses all over his girlfriend's windshield.

Strangest Adventures in Babysitting: Anthony's left with the rock and roll crowd at the Rainbow Room while his dad makes his deals, and the Who's Keith Moon would always take a moment to check that he was OK. But a naked Cher crawling into bed with Anthony when she's "babysitting" the eighth grader tops the list: "I remember thinking, 'This is not bad,' " Anthony writes.

  Tommy Lee
Best Quickie: Tommy Lee goes to an adult-film set, asks porn star Ron Jeremy who someone is, Jeremy sends Tommy to the bathroom, and two minutes later, Tommy is joined by Debbi Diamond for an intimate encounter. Too bad her makeup artist is best friends with his then-wife Heather Locklear's makeup artist.

Best Quickie Marriage: It's a tie. At 19, Tommy marries a Penthouse Pet named Candice; after she stabs him and he socks her in the mouth and kicks her out of a car, it's annulled a month later. At 27, Dave marries a woman named Rhian after knowing her for two weeks; it's annulled after a month.

Best Sex Partners: Two out of three rock stars agree — overweight chicks rule. Tommy says that "she'll be a screaming, crazy hot, big yummy time, trust me." And Anthony describes it as "some of the best road sex imaginable."

Best Sex Aid: Tommy suggests eating a bushel of celery the day before and drinking pineapple juice every morning. Just trust him.

  Anthony Kiedis
Best Cheating of Death: It's a tie, between Anthony and Anthony. First, he dives from a five-story building into a swimming pool, overshoots, and, while managing not to die, does break his back. Then later, he drives drunk without a seatbelt and crashes into a tree, splitting his head open: "I resembled a plate of spaghetti and meatballs," he says.

Most Creative Place to Hide Your Stash: Tommy substitutes Jack Daniel's for windshield-wiper fluid so that he and his buddies could grab a secret squirt during high school. Deplorable mention: Dave's drug dealer leaves packages in hidden spots like inside the spout of the drainpipe, underneath the turntables, behind the security camera over his doorbell, and in the slots on the back of his Mac. She would then leave phone messages for him like, "Dave, I just want to let you know I got this new CD. It's called 'Check the Drain by the Garage.' "

Luckiest With the Law: Anthony gets out of one arrest thanks to the Star of David he'd drawn on his sneakers, and out of another because he swallows three balloons of heroin before the cop sees them. Deplorable mention: After Dave pulls a shotgun on what he thinks are home invaders but are actually Water and Power employees (who have the misfortune of mistaking the address for a late-night emergency call), the police show up and search the premises. Despite finding Dave's drugs and hiding places, they don't arrest him and stick around to take pictures in his photo booth and ask him questions like whether the Red Hot Chili Peppers are gay. As if.

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Photo: Harper Collins/Warner Bros./MCA

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